Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Christmas Letter From The Obamas

Dear Friends and Family,

As I sit down to write this I am amazed that so much time has flown by already! Where does it all go? Of course you may be wondering the same thing and asking yourselves why are we getting a Christmas letter a whole month before the Iowa caucuses? Well you know how the stores are moving the holidays up earlier and earlier? This year we decided to do the same thing and get a “jump” on the competition, haha!!

Anyhow, I thought I would take this opportunity to keep you all “up to speed” on what is happening in the Obama family.

First, the girls. Sasha turned 10 and continues to love fourth grade. Malia is growing like a weed—five feet nine now, almost as tall as her dad!—and she had braces put on, which she was NOT happy about I can tell you. She is turning into quite the lady and she is doing extremely well at Sidwell Friends, just like her sister. Barack and I have told the girls that for $60,000 a year in tuition, they had better do well, or they are going to have to pay us back, haha! Being in the “1 percent” has its advantages. ;-) Both girls are enjoying sports, which of course they are very good at, and are still doing piano. You should hear them play—I really think they could be concert professionals.

Yours truly stayed busy in 2011 trying to get the American people to eat right—although I have to confess that even someone who knows as much as I do about how other people ought to live sometimes “falls off the wagon.” As I told Ladies Home Journal about our Chicago trip, “I ate everything that was available.” And now before the rumors get totally out of hand, let me just say: Despite what you might have read on Twitter, I am not pregnant. Where DO these rumors get started anyway? (Maybe it was the deep-dish Chicago pizza, haha!)

Needless to say, 2011 was a very big year for Barack, even though he did not win another Nobel Prize like he should have. The CIA forgers FINALLY put the finishing touches on his “long form” birth certificate, which was then conveniently “discovered” in the same file as Jimmy Hoffa and the Rose Law Firm billing records, LOL. (Kidding, people! KIDDING!) Then Barack announced that we finally killed Osama bin Laden, and would be withdrawing all U.S. troops from Iraq by year’s end. You’re welcome, America!

Of course it was easier to find OBL than it was to get the Republicans in Congress to agree to a tax hike on the “millionaires and billionaires” who make more than $250,000 a year, as Barack likes to say. I swear, sometimes I think the Republicans do not actually want to help a Democratic president win a second term—which is really weird, when you remember how hard Democrats worked to help re-elect Bush. Finally, a disturbed young man shot at the White House—luckily, we were out of town—and try as they might, the media could not find a way to blame it on the Tea Party. :-(

In between all the hard work we did manage to find some “fun time.” We went to Chicago in May, then Los Angeles in June. In July we went to Bar Harbor, Maine, and in August we went to Martha’s Vineyard. Malia went to summer camp for a month. Barack went to Chicago again while Sasha and I went to Spain with 40 of my closest friends. “Sassy” and I had lunch with the King—Juan Carlos, not Elvis—and Queen Sofia at their place on Mallorca. They were very nice, just like ordinary people. (The King even spilled some gazpacho on his shirt!) I tell you what: Between the Air Force Two flight and the 70 Secret Service agents and the 60 rooms at the Hotel Villa Padierna, it was a VERY expensive trip. Thank goodness I didn’t have to pay for it, haha!!

After that Barack, Sasha and I went to Florida and played putt-putt. Sasha sank a hole in one! You should have SEEN the look on Barack’s face—you know how much he loves to play golf. Remember last year, when he had to cancel a trip to Poland for the president’s funeral? What did he do instead? Yup—play golf! In fact, he plays a lot more golf than George W. Bush ever did, but luckily most of the media are on our side and never point that out, except for Faux News and some of the other right-wing propaganda machines.

Still, 2011 was not all butterflies and unicorns, especially for uncle Omar. In August he was picked up on a traffic violation and they found out he was supposed to have been deported in 1992. Oops! Guess government isn’t always perfect after all. A few days later Uncle Omar was “quietly released,” as the papers put it. Luckily, back in June Barack had told Immigrations and Customs Enforcement to stop deporting low-level offenders. I swear, he must have ESP!

Well, that is about all for now. We are looking forward to a very exciting 2012 election year and we hope you are, too! Remember that even though you are not near to us, you are still dear to us – especially if you vote!



This letter is not real, but A. Barton Hinkle is. He's a columnist at the Richmond Times-Dispatch, where this article originally appeared.


Anonymous said...

Totally lame.

Not funny, and not even well written.


Anonymous said...

Of course it is not well written, that is the "Hallmark" of someone who has never been proud of her country.

OMG in 2012!

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:55
You do realize it's not authentic, right?

"hallmark"? ....seriously, dude?

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO! OK gotta share this on FB....

Signed you know who!

Anonymous said...

they should have mentioned fast and furious and the mexican cartel money laundering service our justice department has been providing

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff Cedar, and yes I know it is a spoof.