No need to vote today, the results are already in!
Just thank North Carolina's new "self" voting machines, they are so easy to operate even a cave man can do it.
No lie Kidos, the government knows best and now these high-tech machines vote for you.
We've looked at the tea leaves, studied the Ouija board, ran the numbers through our analytical quantum qualitative process, tossed out the high and low averages and double checked the trend lines.
So lets run through our winners and how we got there.
City of Charlotte Bonds - Voters are confused because of the "HEADS I WIN - TAILS YOU LOSE" selection on the touch screen. Bonds pass with 100% approval.
Richard Burr - Senior voters think Burr is Raymond Burr aka Perry Mason.
Nikki Haley - It is a close race but Haley wins after she promises to teach kama sutra at the governor's mansion on Wednesday nights.
Sue Myrick - Voters just want to see if she'll age more gracefully during the next two years.
Mel Watt - Promise of free 24"s for everyone gets out the vote.
Tommy Tucker - Tanya's younger brother had no real challenger.
Dan Clodfelter - Voters like his name.
Thom Tillis - Lake Norman voters think he's a county signer with a speech impediment who can't pronounce his real name Thomas.
Bob Rucho - Competition didn't stand a chance.
Tricia Cotham - Promises to have bake sales to balance state budget.
Beverly Earle - Village in Mecklenburg County named after her, all residents turn out to vote.
Becky Carney - Voters feared she would return to BOCC.
Rick Killian - George's younger brother. Voters thinking of free beer at Connolly's.
Jim Pendergraph - Most people thought he was a democrat.
Larry Kissel - The evil big guy ads did Harold Johnson in.
Harold Cogdell - See Clogfelter.
George Dunlap - Tire commercial brings out the vote.
Vilma Leake - Gives her acceptance speech even though polls are still open, must be returned to the Alzheimer's ward at CMC before 7PM.
Bill James - Gangster look black shirts big hit with South Charlotte constituents.
Neil Cooksey - Only a dozen people voted for Neil but he wins anyway, "go figure".
Corey Thompson - Beats out Murrey by 17 votes.
Chipp Bailey - Voters think he's a Republican.
Bill Constangy - His signs were everywhere, again big name recognition
Lisa Bell - Almost loses but, wiggles her way to a win in the final hours.
Andrew Murray - No one else wanted the job.
Mick Mulvaney - Wins after month long Spat with Spratt who demands a recall.
Jim DeMint - Wins but, Melvin Greene gets a stunning number of votes and runs again in 2012 as a Republican.
There you have it folks, and may God help us ALL!